De Profundis

Yesterday the first anniversary of the death of my grandmother gathered many of us for a celebration that ultimately led to the end of the mourning period. If there is anything in the ritual aspect of religions that I like, I would choose the funeral/mourning rituals. Wether you are a believer or not, it is immediately obvious that they are at least partly designed to manage the sorrow and the pain of the afflicted. These rituals thus may act as a form of instant therapy, defining milestones for mourning, family meetings, etc.

But it is not that easy to write off the memory of my grandmother. Today as we gathered around her grave, it was obvious that all this was vain, that we would mourn for much longer than the “regulatory” period of time. I am still deeply hurt by her loss. She was good to me, she was good to her family, she was good to strangers, to write this is nothing, and sounds ludicrously common; yet she was truly all that, and even more. Where she went noone knows, what she became – not even the bones shall remain-  and yet, she gave me the strength of being who I am and doing what I do, everyday since she left us.

Please, give us the strength,

Please give us the hope,

Please give us the love,

Please forgive us,

Please help us go back up a seventh time

When we already fell six times

As you were used to say: In our lives, everything bores, everything breaks, and everything goes away.

De Profundis, Amen.